Lost in Provence

Warning: French Internet Scam!

Hello, friends! I just wanted to make you aware of this French Internet scam that has been making the rounds and even showing up in the mailboxes of non-French-speakers. For those of you who aren't fluent in French, I have translated the e-mail below. Sure, it's not a word-for-word translation, but sometimes you have to read between the lines of these things:

THE ENGLISH VERSION:

Dear client,
It looks like there may have been some fraudulent activity on your Crédit Mutuel card. Please get out your card and click on the link below, where we will ask you to identify yourself and then take your card number and go on a shopping spree here in Nigeria, as much as such a thing is possible in Nigeria, where there's no Saks Fifth Avenue outlet store, no Pottery Barn, not even a Dairy Queen, due to the inadequate national infrastructure provided by our corrupt leaders.
 
However, Nigeria has one of the highest population growth and fertility rates in the world, and according to what the Pope has been saying while he's here on the continent, we all need to stop using condoms or we will go to hell, which we have heard is even worse than Lagos. I shudder to think.
 
So, you see, we really need your money to support our growing families while we focus on plotting to overthrow the existing government by rigging the next election and putting someone in office who will finally bring the Dairy Queen franchise to our country. I hope your credit limit is high enough for that. It's really hot here, and I'm just dying for a Snickers Blizzard.
 
Love and kisses,
Crédit Mutuel

 

THE FRENCH VERSION:

Bonjour cher client,
Le departement thechnique du Crédit Mutuel a enregistre des cas d’utilisation potentiellement frauduleuse de votre carte des cle personel. Pour votre sécurité votre compte a était bloqué. Nous nous excusons pour la gêne occasionnelle.

Pour réactiver votre compte suivre les instruction suivante
 
1. Munissez vous de votre carte des cle personel
2. Identifier vous ici.
3. Suivez les instruction sur la page

Votre compte a été bloqué. Il continuera а être bloqué tant que ces condition ne sont pas rempli.

Cordialement
le Crédit Mutuel

A Wonderful Time: Sunday Brunch

Johann, Patrick, Liz, Wil and Liz

Yesterday we spent one of those glorious afternoons having brunch in the sun that is the the stuff of dreams: Good friends, lovely food, beautifully-behaved children and weather that we'd been pining for all these long, chilly months. It was golden, shining perfection. And with the 13-bedroom mansion and expertly tended grounds that our friends are caretakers for as a backdrop, the whole scene was straight out of a Slim Aarons photograph.

Brunch and Champagne

Our brunch started with Champagne and featured quiche, fougasse (flat bread with either chevre or ham), fruit salad, coffee cake, banana bread and my sister's sort-of-secret recipe for "party potatoes." We also enjoyed some Obama blend coffee that Liz had been sent from the States. It tasted like hope and change. Delicious.

 

 

Emerson, Hugo, Celeste and Wil on the trampoline

After lunch, Wil somehow found the energy to play with the kids on the trampoline and was rewarded for his fortitude by all three children ganging up on him and bouncing the poor man senseless. Undaunted, he next piled them into the rowboat and took them for a little tour of the pond (though I noticed that he made them do all the rowing). I'm not sure who had more fun, those on the island throwing the plastic duck decoys for the dog to retrieve, or the dog himself. Or maybe it was the rest of us laughing hysterically and taking pictures on the shore.

Emerson, Hugo, Celeste and Wil

The fun continuted: Our hostess loaded her two boys, Hugo and Emerson, and her two houseguests, Wil and Liz, into their classic Deux Chevaux and drove the gang down the road to inspect Patrick's beehives (in addition to caretaking, Patrick makes the sweetest honey in Provence). Johann and Patrick went tromping through the woods up past the tennis court in search of wild olive trees, while little Celeste and I took a walk in the woods ourselves, with my tiny tour guide showing me her favorite places, including the tree she likes to sit in because she feels like she's in the palm of its hand.

Liz at the wheel of the Deux Chevaux

Please check out the rest of the pictures of this perfect day that is the reason we all love living here. They're at right under "Photos."

Wouldn't "Disregard" Be More Polite?

Fuck the Rules

It may be a little hard to see, given that the lettering is black on black (though what else would you expect from such an insolent item of clothing?) but this French child is wearing a hoodie that says "Fuck the rules." This kid, who was EIGHT YEARS OLD, posed for the photo with the permission of his parents, who seemed amused by the fact that English-speakers found the boy's sweatshirt shocking enough to take a photo of.

While I've seen enough of this sort of thing not to actually be shocked by it anymore, I'm still bewildered by the phenomenon. I mean, I understand that the parents don't really understand exactly what the shirt says and are just looking for something that zips up and will keep the kid's head dry if it rains a little, but what about the manufacturers? The existence of this garment means that at a children's clothing company somewhere, some executives got together and brainstormed ideas for a new line of sportswear for under-tens. And THIS is what they came up with! It makes you wonder what kind of ideas got rejected for being too inappropriate.

Anyway, here is my message to those clothing company execs: Encouraging lawlessness amongst a demographic whose rules include single-digit bedtimes, candy restrictions and limits on the amount of time spent playing video games may seem harmless enough, but today's primary school rebels are tomorrow's teen shoplifters. And what will happen to your profits then? Remember, when it comes to anarchy, you must be this tall to ride that ride.

Cuckoo for Les Cocoa Puffs

The cereal aisle

One thing that French people who have visited the States always remark on is the food. "The portions are enormous." They say. "No wonder obesity is such a problem!" They cry. And I'll admit it, they have a point. The last time I was home I went out to dinner with my family and every one of us ordered a steak that was so huge it took up the entire plate, making it necessary for the baked potato with butter and sour cream that came with it to be served on a separate dish. We may have even chosen onion rings as our choice of "vegetable." So I get it. Really, I do.*

Chocolate All Bran

But here's the thing, France. You're not entirely blameless when it comes to ridiculously indulgent and calorific meals. The pictures shown here were taken at the grocery store, where one is seriously hard-pressed to find anything in the cereal aisle that doesn't have chocolate in it. A good three-fourths of the cereal has chocolate in it. Maybe even more than that. And I'm not just talking about chocolate flavored stuff, like Cocoa Puffs or Count Chocula or something. No, there are actual chunks of chocolate, lots of it, in most of these cereals. Pour yourself a bowl of whatever cereal you normally eat and then throw ten or so Mars Bars in there and you'll get the general idea.

Chocolate cappuccino Cruesli

And it's clear from the packaging that this cereal isn't all for children, which would be a sad but plausible excuse for such sugar-saturated breakfast food. Look at that picture of Cruesli. And Country Crisp! Even Baby Boomer favorite All Bran is chock-full of chocolate. Don't even get me started on Trésor, which would seem like a product for kids in that it's hard to imagine anyone else eating a "cereal" that is essentially liquid chocolate with a thin layer of something crunchy over it, but as anyone who ate cereal as a kid knows, the lack of a manic cartoon animal mascot on the box clearly identifies it as "big people food."

Kellogg's Trésor

In a way, identifying this dietary weakness of the French, who somehow manage to eat so well and stay so thin, makes me feel better about myself. These chic, svelte people who sometimes look down their noses at American cuisine are secretly shoveling in bowls full of granola peppered with dark chocolate and cappuccino-flavored candy every morning. The only difference is that they're hiding their shame from the world by choosing to eat badly at breakfast and in the privacy of their own kitchens rather than out in public like us Americans. Well, I'm on to you, France. Next I'll discover how you manage to do this and stay so fit.  

 

 

 

Et tu, Special K?

* I gained five pounds during that three-week trip. But I'm still going back to that restaurant immediately the next time I'm in town.